Dear Elaine,
I’m seeking advice regarding a situation in my life that is causing me stress. I am in my late 20s, have a fulfilling job, and live in a city that I love. I have been in a committed relationship for almost seven years, but we are not married. Recently, my partner has decided to change careers and pursue a law degree. He is currently studying for the entrance exam and has set his sights on two universities, one within our current city and another a few hours away.
I support my partner’s decision to follow a path that he finds fulfilling, but there are a few concerns on my end. He has not informed our families about his career change yet, and he wants me to keep it a secret until he is accepted into law school. The lack of close friends to confide in adds to my stress and makes it difficult for me to discuss these changes and the potential challenges we may face.
Aside from the financial burden of law school, there is also the issue of our lease ending before he decides on a school. Additionally, he will most likely need to work part-time or not at all during his first semesters, putting the responsibility of many expenses on my shoulders in our relatively expensive city. I also worry about the added stress that law school may bring to our relationship.
Am I being unreasonable for sticking around in this situation, especially without being married? He is my best friend and I have faith in his ability to achieve his goals, but I am concerned about neglecting my own needs and the potential stress that may come my way. Keeping these thoughts to myself is weighing me down, and I desire to move forward with confidence rather than feeling like a passive participant.
Comment:
Elaine Welteroth’s Response:
I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have friends to discuss this with, but if I were in your shoes, I would question why you are keeping silent and allowing this situation to eat away at you rather than talking to your partner. After all, he is supposed to be your best friend. Are you afraid of discouraging him or dampening his dreams? Has he even asked you for your thoughts on all of this? If not, this is concerning.
When you are in a committed partnership and you are making life decisions that will impact both of you, it is important to have open and honest communication to navigate through the potential outcomes together. If he wants you to be a part of this journey, especially if financial support from you is expected, he owes you a clear conversation. Whether he wants you to move with him or have a long-distance relationship, you can’t agree to a half-baked plan with insufficient communication. Lack of communication can be a sign of deeper issues since open communication is a fundamental aspect of any relationship.
However, I understand that he may also be experiencing anxiety about this significant life transition. Have you asked him why he is not ready to share his law school goals with anyone else yet? Regardless of his reasons, it does not diminish your need for a support system to help you process the potential changes that lie ahead.
You mentioned that the absence of friends in your life is a separate problem, but it may be more relevant here than you realize. When your social life outside of your relationship is lacking, it can magnify issues within the relationship. In the absence of a built-in community, I suggest seeking therapy as a means to work through these challenges. If you keep everything bottled up inside, it will continue to consume you.
While it is frustrating to be left in the dark about so many questions that impact your future, try to avoid making assumptions. How do you know that your partner has any expectations of you financially supporting him or moving with him? Maybe he plans to take out loans and wants a long-distance relationship. Are you both on the same page when it comes to the future of your relationship? These are all conversations you need to have directly to avoid unnecessary confusion.
While it would have been ideal for him to initiate these discussions, we can’t dwell on “shoulds.” At this point, it is your responsibility to take the lead. Before addressing any of this with him, it is crucial that you have a clear understanding of your own goals and desires for the next few years. Remember, you won’t get these years back, and since you are not married, you should not make decisions as if you were. Take some time to journal and discuss with your therapist how your partner can support your goals and what sacrifices you are willing to make in helping him achieve his. Identify your non-negotiables and find effective ways to communicate them.
You asked if it is “crazy” to go along with all of this, and to be honest, it would be if you don’t confront every aspect of this situation head-on. Relationships require compromise, but it is not selfish to prioritize your own desires when finding that compromise. Especially before merging your plans with someone else’s. I hope you and your partner have an open discussion and get on the same page as soon as possible. Living in a constant state of silence and stress is not a healthy way to navigate life.
Comment submitted by Elaine Welteroth.
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