Subject: Concerns and Communication in a Relationship
Dear Therapist,
It has been four years since my divorce, and I am a single parent to three children. As I have rebuilt my life, I have focused on working full-time, owning my own home, and securing my financial future. However, a year ago, I was diagnosed with a serious autoimmune disorder that may impact my ability to work as planned. I have made adjustments to my budget accordingly.
During this time, I met my boyfriend online. After enduring a marriage filled with emotional and physical abuse, I was grateful to find someone who is kind and caring. Due to my past experiences, I have struggled to assert myself and ask questions. My ex-husband and father were both intolerant of differing opinions, so it has been a challenge. I have been working with a therapist to build my self-esteem.
My boyfriend’s wife passed away unexpectedly a year before we met. He has two adult children, a grandchild, and another on the way. Shortly after we started dating, he revealed that he had significant student loan debt and no plans to repay it. I also noticed that he was spending money on luxury items despite claiming limited financial resources. He expressed frustration over his daughter’s decision not to move in with him, as he had hoped for her financial contribution to cover their bills.
Naturally, I was alarmed by this revelation. My instincts told me to run, but I didn’t want to lose someone who seemed genuinely kind. Despite our shared values and interests, I expressed my concerns to him. He explained that his wife managed their finances and they had made poor decisions regarding student loans. He bought a new car to avoid driving his late wife’s vehicle, even though it was still functioning. I shared my anxieties, and he seemed open to making changes. He applied for student loan forgiveness, sold the new car, and purchased a used one with lower monthly payments.
Although he did not disclose the exact amount of his debt, I offered my assistance and recommended helpful blogs on financial management. However, he seemed too ashamed to engage in these discussions. We had agreed to take things slowly, and generally, we split the costs of our dates.
Recently, my boyfriend has been discussing moving in together and marriage. While I love him, I am concerned about taking on his debt. Additionally, he has been spending money on expensive items for his grandchild and the upcoming baby. I have remained silent, assuming it is his responsibility. I previously mentioned that his loan repayment would likely increase if we were to marry, receiving no response. He also mentioned planning vacations, but I suggested more affordable alternatives, suspecting he couldn’t afford them. He has even shown me potential houses for us to live in together. After mustering up the courage, I asked him about the amount of his outstanding student loans. I was shocked to learn that it totaled $130,000. I fear becoming the roommate he seeks solely for financial support.
Now, I am unsure if I should continue this relationship or end it. While I’m comfortable with dating, I am not comfortable with marrying someone who carries a significant debt without a plan to address it.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Money is a topic that stirs intense emotions and often causes disagreements in relationships. Our attitudes towards money are shaped by our family history, and talking about finances is personally challenging due to societal taboos. Unfortunately, many individuals lack the necessary communication skills to address money matters effectively.
Considering your hesitance to ask questions due to past experiences with yelling individuals, I understand your fear. However, it is crucial to overcome this fear and communicate openly with your boyfriend. Reflect on why you avoid discussing these concerns. Is it the fear of an unfavorable outcome? Remember that your previous conversation was somewhat successful and led to positive changes. Any discomfort that arises from discussing sensitive topics is worth enduring in a successful long-term relationship. Examine your avoidance patterns and ensure they are not influenced by past traumatic experiences that may not reflect the reality of your current relationship.
I recommend writing down your thoughts and concerns before engaging in a conversation about money or any sensitive issue. This will help you stay focused during the discussion and prevent distractions.
In…
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