- At the age of 24, I made the decision to embark on my gender transition just over a year ago.
- When I came out to my mother, she initially welcomed me with open arms, but she later became distant.
- She explained that she needed time to grieve, but we are slowly working towards rebuilding our relationship.
Since the moment I was born, I have been burdened with societal expectations of toxic masculinity that never felt authentic to me.
My father, being the main perpetrator, always emphasized the importance of manhood and the associated obligations. Despite my interest in women’s clothing, poetry, and toys typically associated with girls, I had to conform to his ideals of masculinity.
For the majority of my life, I did not fully comprehend what it meant to be transgender. I understood it as something that others could identify as, but I never considered it a possibility for myself. Instead, every night, I would pray fervently, hoping to wake up the next morning as the woman I truly felt I was inside.
Last year, I finally made the decision to begin my transition, and the most challenging part has been navigating and rebuilding my relationships, particularly with my mother.
My Gender Transition Journey at 24
On June 30, 2022, I took my first hormone replacement therapy pill. At that point, I realized that it was time for a change, and my gender became the focal point of my journey.
For the first few months of my transition, I focused on introspection and shared my new identity with a select group of understanding friends.
During this time, I was living with my divorced mother. I had faith that she would accept me if I came out, but I was still apprehensive about broaching the subject under her roof.
Coming Out to My Mother
Early on in my transition, I carefully considered whom to come out to. Unfortunately, my father’s family was deeply entrenched in toxic masculinity and conservative Christian beliefs, making it clear that they would not support my new identity. As a result, I chose to sever ties with my father and his side of the family.
When I finally mustered the courage to tell my mother about my gender transition, I experienced a mix of anxiety and terror. Sitting in my car with a few supportive friends by my side, I sent her a text message. Every moment that passed felt like an eternity as I anxiously awaited her response.
Finally, her reply came, and it exceeded my wildest expectations. She wrote, “I suppose I’ve known for a while… I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to tell me. Also, please know that you’re not a burden and I love you. Never hesitate to confide in me.” As someone who had been deeply afraid of coming out, those words were the best possible response I could have hoped for. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy. However, there was more to the story.
The Strained Relationship with My Mother
In the weeks that followed, my mother began acting distant and aloof. I reached out to her through messages and attempted phone calls, but her responses were short and subdued. It was evident that something was amiss.
Her sudden change in behavior sparked fear and anxiety within me. I recognized the signs of potential rejection and doubted whether she could truly see me as her daughter.
To confront my fears, I decided to have a direct conversation with her, which left me feeling emotionally turbulent. Her response haunted me even several months later. She said, “I’m grieving the loss of my son.” Those words continue to grip me with a lingering fear.
For months, we hardly exchanged more than a few words, and I’ve only seen her in person once since coming out.
Rebuilding Our Relationship
Fortunately, my mother and I are slowly making progress towards rebuilding our relationship. We are communicating more openly, even discussing personal matters such as the potential outcome of my transition, including my prospective breast size. She has even encouraged me to come out to both sides of the family, viewing it as an empowering move. I am beginning to feel a stronger connection to her than ever before.
I have no regrets about this transition, even if it means losing the close bond I once shared with my mother. However, I haven’t lost her completely. She is still present, witnessing my transformation into the resilient and authentic woman I was always meant to be.
As I write this,
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