When Karen Jones engages in sexual activity with her husband, she confesses that she envisions being intimate with someone else. “I no longer find him sexually appealing,” she admits. “We have a great relationship, but I simply don’t desire him anymore – and this has been the case for the past decade.” According to Karen, if she didn’t fantasize about being in bed with a younger and more attractive individual, she would have no interest in having sex with her husband at all.
At first glance, one might find this situation depressing, assuming their marriage is bound to fall apart. However, Karen, who has been married to her 62-year-old husband John for 30 years, takes a more practical view. “What am I supposed to do?” she asks. “Should I divorce the man who I raised two children with, the man who has been my partner for the majority of my life, and who has become my closest friend simply because I no longer find him physically appealing? That seems incredibly shallow to me and it just doesn’t make sense. Losing attraction for your partner doesn’t seem like sufficient grounds for divorce.”
Surprisingly, Karen is not alone in her perspective. In fact, she is part of a significant majority. According to a groundbreaking marriage survey conducted by Femail, a shocking 78% of married individuals stated that they would not end their marriages if they no longer desired their partners sexually. While one might assume that this sentiment is more common among older couples who have long passed the honeymoon phase of their relationship, this is not the case. In fact, 67% of respondents aged 25 to 34 agreed with this sentiment, as did 63% of those aged 35 to 44, and 66% of those aged 45 to 54. Even among individuals aged 18 to 24, 38% stated that lack of sexual attraction would not be a reason to end their marriage.
Furthermore, the results of the survey challenge gender stereotypes. More men agreed with this perspective than women. Among male respondents, 84% said they would not end their marriage due to lack of sexual attraction, compared to 73% of female respondents. Additionally, when asked about the most important ingredient of a successful marriage, only 7% of all men, whether single or in a relationship, believed that a fulfilling sex life was key. Instead, 54% of men prioritized respect.
Intrigued by the declining number of marriages and the increasing divorce rates, we conducted this extensive study into marriage. Over 1,000 individuals aged 18 and over were surveyed, covering a range of topics such as the relevance of marriage in the modern world, the lifelong commitment associated with marriage, the keys to a successful marriage, and whether sexual attraction is optional in a long-term relationship. Our findings shed light on the numerous challenges that matrimony faces in today’s society.
Many young individuals lack faith in the institution of marriage, as 33% of respondents aged 25 to 34 believe it is no longer relevant. Among those who had never been married, 44% stated that they did not wish to get married in the future, and this number rose to 53% among 35 to 44-year-olds. However, despite these statistics and the soaring divorce rates, it is encouraging to note that many believe a waning libido can be weathered within a marriage. Only 8% of respondents said they would end their marriage if they lost sexual attraction to their partner.
Overall, our survey provides a fascinating insight into modern attitudes towards marriage. It suggests that sex may not be as important to couples as society would have us believe, and that traditional principles of respect and empathy still hold strong. Despite the constant message that a fulfilling sex life is necessary for happiness, our results demonstrate that desire can decrease over time, yet still not be considered a catastrophic issue that warrants divorce.
Karen Jones, for instance, shares this viewpoint. A mother of two from Nottingham, Karen runs a gardening business with her husband. While they still enjoy each other’s company, the sexual attraction has faded. However, after three decades of marriage, Karen is not concerned. “We share a sense of humor and a love for hiking. A strong desire to rip each other’s clothes off is not a prerequisite for enjoying a life together,” Karen explains. “I used to find him incredibly attractive, more so than any other man I’ve been with. Having children and the challenges of raising them while maintaining our careers did not pose a threat to our attraction in the past.”
However, things changed about ten years ago. “It’s something that has occurred as he has aged. His hair has turned gray and thin, his face has become more gaunt, and he has lost muscle while gaining weight,” Karen shares. “The sexual spark that he used to effortlessly ignite in me has vanished. Men his age never appealed to me when I was younger, and that hasn’t changed now that I’m in my 50s.” While this may sound hurtful, Karen is certain her husband feels the same way. “I don’t believe he finds me sexually attractive anymore either. He no longer compliments me the way he used to. I can’t even remember the last time he acknowledged my appearance. However, I don’t possess the perfect yoga body, and I haven’t preserved my youthful looks as I’ve grown older.”
Despite Karen’s lack of sexual attraction towards her husband, their sex life has not completely diminished thanks to her somewhat unconventional solution. She imagines being with someone else during their intimate moments. Karen insists that this does not count as betrayal because she does not fantasize about real individuals; instead, she conjures up imaginary partners. She also assumes her husband does the same. “When we have sex, he probably imagines me as his own fantasy woman, and that’s perfectly fine with me,” Karen states. She confesses that she has never discussed this with her husband, believing that certain matters are best left unsaid. “This arrangement works for me, and it allows us to maintain an enjoyable sex life. I have no desire to be unfaithful, and I hope he feels the same. While sexual attraction has been replaced with deep love and affection, that is more than enough for me.”
Some may find Karen’s openness surprising, but relationship expert and behavioral psychologist Jo Hemmings believes that losing attraction to one’s partner is inevitable. However, she believes this issue should not be ignored. “Desire tends to ebb and flow in a long marriage,” Hemmings explains. “As much as individuals would like to believe that they will always have the urge to rip their spouse’s clothes off the way they did in the beginning of the relationship…”
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