I used to volunteer at my church’s Sunday school, and one time I noticed the pastor watching me from the door as I guided a child up a plastic slide. I tried to greet him, but he remained silent. He kept staring at me, lips tightly sealed, as if trying to decide something.
I knew that look. I had seen it before and have seen it since then, always amidst an uncomfortable silence. It’s as if there could be something in me, something ugly and despicable, that everyone else can see except for me.
Now that I am a pediatrician, I am not looked at in those ways as often, which might be the reason I decided to study medicine in the first place. My interactions with others are framed within the doctor-patient relationship. Roles have always come naturally to me, and the affirmation of a job well done has provided me with validation that I have never believed I deserved. Children tend to see the roles more than the individuals – father, mother, stranger, friend – and maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable with them.
Sometimes, I feel like I am a better professional because of my ability to focus on my role rather than myself, to see the child as a patient, their tears and screams as symptoms of an illness rather than expressions of distress. But there are other times, usually small moments in a quiet day, when it hits me, the emptiness of being ignored for so long. Moments when I acknowledge the life before me, a newborn small enough to fit in my hands, and imagine a future where something so precious and cherished could feel comfortable and at ease with someone like me.
Since becoming a pediatrician, it has become harder for me to desire having children of my own. It’s true that my perspective is biased. I have been taught to expect bronchiolitis around every corner, pneumonia and sepsis as constant threats. I have seen broken skin too many times for pleural drains, perforations, wound dressings, and nerve blocks, chubby arms and legs pricked for blood draws, fluids, and antibiotics.
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