Are you aware of the lucrative opportunities in helping New York governments with tasks that politicians struggle to handle? Take, for example, DocGo, a philanthropic company that secured a $432 million contract for relocating and sheltering migrants in New York City. Another company, Digital Gadgets, landed a $637 million deal to assist the state in acquiring COVID-19 tests at double the market rate.
But these are just two examples of private entities profiting from taxpayers’ money. That’s why I’m excited to announce the launch of a new company that will do the same. And I’m giving you the chance to get involved from the very beginning. It’s time to take out those checkbooks!
What exactly will this new company do? Well, here’s the beauty of it: we have no fixed plan. The key is to be prepared for any crisis that comes our way, just like a surfer waiting for the next big wave. If UFOs suddenly appear in Utica, we’ll become a Martian-management company. If meatballs rain down on Troy, we’ll provide meatball nets. The unpredictability is what makes it exciting!
Experience? Who needs it! That’s the best part. You don’t require any relevant experience to join us.
Some critics questioned DocGo’s ability to handle the migrant crisis due to their previous work primarily involving performing unpleasant tasks for patients, including dressing wounds. But that didn’t stop Mayor Eric Adams from awarding them the job without a competitive bidding process.
Here’s the good news: governments are increasingly unable to solve problems, resulting in gridlock. That’s precisely why DocGo CEO Anthony Capone predicted sustainable revenue from the migrant crisis and the porous southern border. With our new company, we won’t let any crisis go to waste. That will be our motto.
Some of you might already be eager to invest, and I appreciate your enthusiasm! Others may want more details, like the name of our company. After careful consideration, I’ve come up with ExecuFleece. It may not be flashy, but it’s practical. (ExecuTech and ExecuTask were already taken, unfortunately.)
What matters most is that we’re ready to make a fortune while helping people. We’ll assist the good people of New York through any crisis that presents an opportunity to make money.
Unfortunately, our good deeds won’t receive the recognition they deserve. Just be forewarned: if you join our team, expect arrows from envious reporters as we drive our luxurious Bentleys. (I personally have my eye on the Continental GT, but the color is still undecided.)
Now, you might have come across reports about Capone’s false claim of having a master’s degree or criticisms of DocGo’s handling of migrants, alleging incompetence due to their lack of relevant experience. Elected officials have also voiced their concerns.
But don’t worry, we’ll have an answer to any question thrown at ExecuFleece: “We’re making mad money!” Of course, we won’t say that out loud. We’ll remain focused on helping people and fulfilling our responsibilities, including managing taxpayer funding appropriately.
Now, time to get to work. We may not know when the next crisis will strike, but we can start laying the groundwork by generously contributing to the politicians responsible for awarding us those lucrative emergency contracts. Consider these campaign donations as investments in a brighter future.
Well, a brighter future for ExecuFleece, that is. Not necessarily for New York.
