People-pleasing is a common characteristic that involves the desire to keep everyone happy. According to a psychologist, this trait can stem from one’s upbringing. To overcome people-pleasing tendencies, it is recommended to identify the root cause and be more deliberate in responding to conflict situations.
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If you consider yourself a people-pleaser, you may feel stuck and believe that change is impossible. While well-meaning friends and colleagues may encourage you to be authentic and speak up, it’s not always easy. You may find it difficult to resist the compulsion to please everyone, and it can be even more challenging when others perceive you as disingenuous or manipulative. Some people-pleasers are associated with personality disorders like narcissism, but Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist and author, argues that most people-pleasers are empathetic individuals who mean well. Gibson states that people-pleasers are not necessarily weak or manipulative; their behaviors are often learned. For example, being raised by an emotionally immature parent can instill fear and inhibit self-expression. Gibson suggests exploring the source of this fear and granting oneself permission to prioritize personal happiness without causing harm to others. To further understand how to cease people-pleasing behaviors, Insider spoke to Gibson, who provided insights on gradually addressing these tendencies and asserting personal needs, regardless of the initial discomfort.
The Distinction Between People-Pleasing and Politeness
The term “people-pleasing” can be subjective and susceptible to misinterpretation. What may be perceived as polite conduct by one individual may be regarded as people-pleasing by another. To distinguish between the two, Gibson recommends examining the level of tension experienced while being in a people-pleasing mode. For instance, if you notice a friend’s empty glass and instinctively refill it without feeling anxious, it may arise from genuine consideration for their needs. However, if you feel pressured or fear negative consequences when failing to notice their glass, it suggests operating from a place of anxiety. In such instances, Gibson advises assessing whether the person in question would genuinely react poorly (based on previous experiences), or if this behavior is learned and applies universally. Gibson encourages reflecting on one’s upbringing to gain further insight into these patterns.
Examining the Influence of Upbringing
If individuals find themselves consistently anticipating conflict in social settings, also known as hypervigilance, it may trace back to their childhood experiences. Gibson suggests that people-pleasers have often learned to be acutely sensitive and vigilant towards others’ discomfort or disapproval. This behavior can stem from having a parent who responded poorly to opposition or criticism during their formative years. Gibson explains that children in such situations may feel compelled to appease their parents, leading to a pervasive habit of prioritizing others’ emotions in all social encounters, even with emotionally safe individuals. Recognizing the origins of people-pleasing behaviors can be highly valuable, enabling individuals to establish boundaries with emotionally immature individuals while fostering openness in relationships with trustworthy individuals.
Slowing Down and Reflecting Before Responding
Hypervigilant people-pleasers tend to react quickly in social settings, according to Gibson. They possess great social acuity, knowing precisely what to say and engaging in caretaking behaviors immediately. This tendency may stem from childhood experiences where they quickly learned to soothe others. Gibson proposes a subtle yet powerful technique for changing these habits by deliberately slowing down reactions. Taking a moment to connect with oneself before engaging in interactions from an authentic standpoint can make a significant difference. Even if people-pleasing behaviors still arise, this practice allows individuals to check in with themselves rather than detach and overly focus on others’ emotions and behaviors.
Anticipating Changes in Relationships
As individuals gradually overcome people-pleasing tendencies and become more aware of their needs, their relationships may undergo substantial shifts. They may discover that some friends preferred the subdued and accommodating version of themselves. Gibson explains that as individuals mature, they may find these friendships less fulfilling or equal due to personal growth. However, this does not necessarily warrant cutting ties. For those with emotionally immature friends, Gibson suggests evaluating whether to end the friendship or view it as an opportunity for mutual growth, assuming the other person demonstrates similar intentions. Being honest and setting boundaries with emotionally immature individuals can strengthen relationships, as long as it does not drain the individual in the process.
Harnessing Sensitivity as a Strength
Gibson believes that people-pleasing is partly driven by a heightened perception innate to certain individuals. Studies indicate that around 15-20% of children are considered “highly sensitive.” Although individuals can minimize their anxious people-pleasing tendencies, their emotional intelligence is likely to persist, which Gibson views as positive. She states that sensitivity can be channeled to facilitate harmonious relationships amongst individuals. Leveraging this natural talent allows sensitive individuals to contribute to the well-being of others.
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