- Over the past few years, I have experienced significant life milestones like marriage, homeownership, and reaching the age of 30.
- While having a baby may seem inevitable, I find myself torn and undecided.
- It’s perfectly okay for my husband and me to be unsure about our desires at this point.
If you take a look inside my notes app, you will find an entry titled “Names I Like” — a collection of ideas for potential names for my future children. Many women I know have a similar note on their phones.
Lately, however, this list feels more real than hypothetical. In recent years, I have fallen in love, gotten married, purchased a house, pursued my dream career, and even entered my thirties. While having a baby seems like a logical next step for many, the thought fills me with uncertainty and apprehension.
So, why do I feel this way?
Ambivalent about parenthood despite societal expectations
Although I have never felt a strong desire for motherhood, there was always an underlying assumption that I would have children anyway. It is a societal norm, with a majority of women becoming mothers at some point in their lives. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 84.3% of women aged 40-49 have given birth at least once, and many others build their families through adoption or surrogacy.
My conservative upbringing further reinforced the notion that motherhood is an essential aspect of a woman’s identity. Most Christian girls I knew eagerly anticipated this role, and I often felt alienated because I didn’t share the same yearning to become a mom.
It wasn’t until my late twenties that I distanced myself from the sheltered evangelical bubble of my youth and discovered the concept of being “child-free by choice.”
Exploring options and embracing freedom of choice
I was taken aback when I learned that many individuals intentionally choose to live without children and find immense happiness in that decision. Their reasons vary from health issues and financial barriers to concerns about the environment and overpopulation. Some simply lack interest in raising children.
Exploring the discourse surrounding the choice to be child-free hasn’t convinced me to forgo having kids. Instead, it has empowered me and my husband to have meaningful discussions about what we truly desire for our family and future. Stripping away external expectations, we are now in control of determining our path, and for now, we both remain uncertain.
Embracing uncertainty alongside like-minded individuals
I don’t feel a strong pull towards motherhood, nor do I completely identify with the child-free community. Imagine my relief when I stumbled upon the “fence-sitters” community on Reddit.
The banner at the top reads, “To parent or not to parent. That is the question.” As I scrolled through recent posts, I felt an overwhelming sense of validation. Hundreds of personal stories and thoughts from those on both sides of the metaphorical fence provided a safe space for questioning and contemplation.
They ask the very same questions that have crossed my mind: “What if parenthood hinders my identity?” “Is it selfish to not want kids?” “What if I have kids and resent them?” “What if I don’t have kids and regret it?”
I feel seen and understood by these strangers, and more importantly, I feel reassured that it’s normal to have doubts and uncertainties when facing such a life-altering decision.
Potential for a fulfilling life, regardless of the chosen path
One of my closest friends has a toddler, and I recently became an aunt for the first time. Being around babies has sparked many conversations about the future with my husband. However, I no longer feel a sense of urgency or anxiety about my indecision. It’s perfectly fine that we haven’t reached a definitive conclusion yet. Regardless of whether we decide to have kids or not, our lives will be meaningful and rewarding.
In the meantime, I will continue adding to my name list, just in case. For the record, I particularly like the names Walter for a boy and Willa for a girl.
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