- When I was born, my mom was just 17 years old and my dad was absent.
- I decided to leave Cub Scouts because they focused a lot on activities for fathers and sons.
- If I had to choose between having a two-parent household or a sibling, I would have preferred having a sibling.
They say time heals all wounds, but I have discovered that this isn’t always the case. I was reminded of my own wound when I saw an ad for a food delivery platform, featuring a single mother of five. Those words struck a chord with me and triggered a strong emotional response. It made me reflect on my own experience of being raised by a single mother.
A Teen Mom
I came into this world 11 days after my mother celebrated her 17th birthday. Back then, children born out of wedlock were stigmatized as “illegitimate,” and the term “bastard” was thrown around casually. Moreover, fathers weren’t legally required to acknowledge their children, so mothers had the freedom to give their kids any last name they desired.
In my community, some single mothers lived in extended families, with grandparents playing the role of “parents” to everyone in the household. In my case, it was just my grandparents, my mother, and me. Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away when I was 7, which made it even more evident that I belonged to a single-parent household.
Since my mother worked with the DMV, she would often interact with male police officers as part of her job. While she had both male and female friends, the visits from male officers led to speculation and judgment from neighbors. I felt safe and protected within the confines of our home, but once I stepped outside, I had to face the assumptions, opinions, and comments from others. Some of the most hurtful remarks came from members of our church.
Different Last Names
To mask the fact that my mother and I had different last names, I concocted an elaborate story involving a marriage, divorce, and her decision to reclaim her maiden name. At some point, I even started saying that my father had died in the Vietnam War to explain his absence, although he was actually alive and living just 115 miles away. It seemed like my mother shared my sense of shame, as she never corrected anyone who addressed her as “Miss” or “Mrs. Gaddis” (her last name was Moore). This became apparent to me when I attended a back-to-school night for my youngest son. Many professional women there kept their maiden names, but their children bore their father’s last name, making it a bit challenging to match nametags to the class roster. Although I never asked, I wondered if having different last names created any issues for their children.
By the time I reached high school, being from a single-parent household didn’t seem to matter anymore. However, there were certain experiences I missed out on. I quit Cub Scouts due to the abundance of father-son activities, never tried fishing, can’t whistle with my fingers, and had to teach myself how to tie a tie. If I could change anything about my childhood, I would have preferred having a sibling over a two-parent household because having an ally makes tough times easier to bear.
It’s worth noting that Leonardo DiCaprio, Selena Gomez, and Barack Obama, among many others, were all raised by single mothers, and they thrived despite their unconventional family structures. Single-parent households have become increasingly common, with 80% of the 11 million single-parent families consisting of single mothers according to US Census data (source). Regardless of the family makeup, we can never control what happens outside of our homes. However, if the environment within is nurturing, supportive, and loving, the children will undoubtedly thrive.
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