- Jaime Mahler, a licensed therapist, made the realization that she exhibited “toxic” behavior.
- After witnessing healthier relationships as an adult, Mahler decided to transform her friendships and communication style.
- She openly shared the signs that indicated her contribution to toxic relationships and how she successfully changed.
Jaime Mahler didn’t realize she exhibited toxic behavior until she witnessed her partner’s family spending quality time together.
“I genuinely remember thinking, This isn’t fake? You actually care and treat each other like this?” Mahler told Insider.
Their laughter, sincere compliments, and genuine generosity seemed like an act to Mahler, as her own family only displayed such behavior to impress guests.
Reflecting on the toxic behaviors she experienced and exhibited, Mahler, now a licensed therapist, embarked on a journey of personal growth. Three years later, she enrolled in graduate school for therapy, developing a deeper understanding of the relationships she desired and those she needed to leave behind.
“I began realizing that my interactions with people were not leading to anything positive or healthy in my life,” said Mahler. She had considered these behaviors, such as being passive-aggressive and engaging in gossip, as normal because those around her acted the same.
Today, Mahler utilizes her podcast “Unlearned” and her Instagram account to educate others about these unhealthy patterns. Her upcoming book, “Toxic Relationship Recovery: Your Guide to Identifying Toxic Partners, Leaving Unhealthy Dynamics, and Healing Emotional Wounds after a Breakup,” set to release on September 5, aims to help individuals identify and change their maladaptive behaviors.
“The term ‘toxic’ is not intended as an attack. It serves as a means of raising awareness,” explained Mahler to Insider.
She goes on to share three signs that, in retrospect, indicated her toxic behavior:
1. Passive aggressiveness
During her upbringing, Mahler’s family resorted to making passive-aggressive comments toward each other. She naively believed this was a normal way to resolve issues or meet emotional needs, she confided in Insider.
In her past romantic relationships, Mahler employed the same strategy. For instance, if she wanted her partner to show affection by getting her a glass of water, she would become “huffy” and sarcastically remark, “It would be so nice to not be thirsty right now. Like, it would be so great if someone just paid attention to their partner’s needs,” Mahler recalled.
She has since learned that being direct in expressing her needs is a healthier approach.
2. Seeking constant validation from partners
Mahler admits to placing unfair expectations on her romantic partners to boost her self-worth through compliments and words of affirmation.
If she struggled with a negative body image, for example, she relied on her partner to uplift her self-confidence. Yet, it never yielded the desired outcome, leading to frustration with her partner.
Mahler eventually recognized that she projected her own wounds, unrelated to her partner, onto them, thus setting their connection up for failure.
She emphasizes that seeking constant validation differs from requesting additional support on particularly challenging days. Mahler learned the importance of addressing her insecurities independently and sought therapy to address her codependent tendencies.
Mahler pinpointed behaviors, from herself and others, that made her feel a certain way. If an interaction caused self-doubt or shame, she focused on changing her behavior to improve her emotional well-being.
She now strikes a balance between self-care and seeking support from others when it empowers and assists her.
“The purpose of a relationship isn’t to exploit one another. It’s to honor and celebrate one another,” Mahler emphasized.
3. Maintaining unfulfilling friendships
Upon introspection, Mahler realized that many of her friendships left her feeling drained and unsatisfied.
These friendships often revolved around gossiping and a lack of boundaries, leading to arguments. For instance, if one friend in her group spent one-on-one time with another, a third friend would express feeling excluded, suggesting mistreatment by the other two friends.
Mahler acknowledges that the third friend likely felt left out and desired control, but their behavior was still unacceptable.
To address this issue, Mahler honestly evaluated which friends’ expectations she could meet and desired to meet. In cases where their abilities and expectations didn’t align, she made the decision to part ways rather than harbor resentment.
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