Comment on this story
Dear Amy,
Every summer, my extended family gathers for a reunion. Among us, there are two individuals who are gay. We have always assumed that my nephew, from a young age, was also gay, although we never openly discussed it. We figured he would figure it out himself, and it wouldn’t be a big deal.
When he turned 16, he started experimenting with his appearance, dyeing his hair and wearing nail polish, while still identifying as male. We assumed he was either going through a teenage phase or was about to come out as gay. We were mistaken. He recently came out as trans and now goes by the name “Ash.” Ash is taking small steps into the world as their true self.
To say that my family is unsupportive is an understatement. They are fine with homosexuality, but they struggle with accepting someone as trans, including Ash’s parents. Our annual reunion is approaching, and I am nervous about how my relatives will react to this change. I’ve already spoken to my sister and advised her to follow Ash’s lead. However, I fear that things may not go well for Ash.
Do you have any advice on how to support Ash without causing conflict?
Uncle
Dear Uncle,
I’m not sure why you are “petrified” about your relatives’ reactions, but I assume you are concerned about how they will respond to Ash, especially since they haven’t been in regular contact. The best way to show support is to greet Ash with enthusiasm, treat them with respect, and maintain a friendly attitude towards them during the gathering.
As an involved aunt, your advantage is that you have known Ash’s parents, at least one of them, since childhood. This gives you some knowledge about your family dynamics that can help you decode certain traits and provide perspective and nonjudgmental support.
Tell Ash, “I faced some of my own challenges coming out as a young person. I’m here for you.” Ask if Ash feels safe at home and make sure to exchange contact information.
If being kind, friendly, and compassionate towards a young family member stirs up conflict in your family, it’s possible that Ash may be experiencing abuse in their home or elsewhere.
Assuming Ash is 18 or close to it, their best course of action might be to leave the household. In that case, you should step up and ensure their safety and well-being. I recommend informing Ash about the Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org), which offers 24/7 support through a chat function (text 678-678).
Best regards,
Amy
Dear Amy,
I have a question about accommodating guests in my second home. I recently purchased a modest second home with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. The issue is that if more than one couple or individual visits at the same time, I only have a couch or an air mattress to offer.
In a few weeks, I have a male couple coming to visit, and they will be accompanied by a female friend. Should I offer my bedroom to the female guest? Considering we are all in our late 50s/early 60s, sleeping on the couch is not ideal. What should I do?
Harry
Dear Harry,
If you extended the invitation to the third guest and she is a friend or family member, then you should offer her your bedroom and sleep on the couch. Surrendering your own room has the advantage of confining the guest and their luggage to one space, rather than having a suitcase in the living room.
In this case, since the third guest is not invited by you but by your guests, I suggest discussing the sleeping arrangements with everyone. Let them know about your limited space and ask for their input on how to handle it.
Best,
Amy
Dear Amy,
Your response to “Loves to Travel” was unkind. Suggesting that the wife should tell her husband of 52 years that “your attitude toward me makes it easier to leave” is unnecessary and mean. That’s something you say as you walk out the door for the last time, not when you’re going on a trip with friends to Cape Cod.
Jack
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