We requested our readers to tap into their inner Carolyn Hax and respond to the following inquiry. Some of the most remarkable answers are provided below.
Dear Carolyn: I have a younger sibling who has two children, ages 6 and 2. I absolutely adore them and love spending time with them. I’m more than happy to babysit when I’m available. However, I need guidance on how to politely decline becoming an impromptu babysitter at parties and events. Whenever my sibling and their spouse attend an event, they always bring their two children, and I end up being the default caregiver. This occurs at various types of gatherings: family get-togethers at my parents’ house, parties at my own house, baseball games, restaurants, etc. It involves tasks such as providing food, changing diapers, entertaining the kids, and anything else that needs attention. I’ve attempted to say, “Hey, Sibling! Junior is hungry — can you take over?” but this only lasts for a brief period before I am tapped back in. I don’t want the children to feel neglected or be exposed to unsafe situations in environments that aren’t suitable for kids, nor do I want them to think that Auntie doesn’t want to spend time with them.
I understand that my sibling and their spouse must crave adult conversation. I know they want to catch up with other guests, but I’m becoming increasingly frustrated. In fact, I’ve started declining invitations to join them because I anticipate that I will end up babysitting once again while they enjoy their time with friends. As I mentioned before, I genuinely enjoy being with the children, but sometimes I just want to shout at my sibling, “HIRE A BABYSITTER OR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN CHILDREN!” How can I establish and uphold this boundary without damaging my relationship with the little ones?
— Frustrated Babysitter
Frustrated Babysitter: One thing I’ve discovered about family over the years is that assumptions about their thoughts and feelings are not helpful. Clear and open communication is key. In other words, even though you say you’ve tried to express your concerns, they may not fully understand how much this bothers you. The more they rely on you, the more resentful you will become. I suggest discussing this issue during a time when you’re not in the midst of a gathering. Be very explicit about your feelings. Let them know that while you love being an aunt, you would like to enjoy these events without feeling responsible for the kids. Once they understand your perspective, they will likely realize the importance of exploring other childcare options for these occasions.
Frustrated Babysitter: As a parent of a 4-year-old, I can say that if I were your sibling, I probably wouldn’t have a clue that you were upset — especially if you’re attempting to tap out by citing the needs of the kids instead of your own. I assume that if someone is spending time with my child at an event, it’s because they genuinely want to, otherwise why would they do it? I certainly didn’t think that way before I became a parent.
I see two possible solutions. The next time you desire some kid-free time during an event, say, “Hey Sib, I really want to catch up with Aunt Mildred. Here’s your child.” Then go ahead and engage in the conversation you desire. The key here is that you must resist the urge to constantly check on the children, even if you believe they aren’t being adequately supervised. Alternatively, before the next event, call your sibling and express that you haven’t been getting enough adult time during family gatherings, and it feels like you always end up babysitting (because the kids are just so cute, of course). Ask if they can assist you in breaking this pattern.
However, you still need to resist your urge to constantly check on the kids during the gathering. Are you spending quality time with the kids at other times? If so, you’re doing just fine. It’s important for children to see that adults have their own desires and needs to attend to.
Frustrated Babysitter: Have you considered hosting an event of your own and making it explicitly for adults only? Frame it as a way to acknowledge that parents need some kid-free time. Additionally, you can ask your sibling if there are specific times during the day that work better for the kids’ schedule and if they can arrange for a babysitter. By mentioning the babysitter in the invitation, you solidify that no kids are allowed. If your sibling claims they can’t or won’t get a babysitter, simply reply, “Maybe next time!” and carry on without them. If they still bring the kids, understand that this situation will never change, and limit your time with them to family activities that naturally revolve around children, such as going to the park. Don’t worry about the kids thinking that you don’t enjoy being their aunt or spending time with them. This is not an all-or-nothing situation, and it’s absolutely normal for adults to engage in activities without their children, just as it’s normal for them to include them.
Frustrated Babysitter: How did you end up as the “go-to” person in the first place? By drawing attention to the kids’ needs (or what you perceive as their needs), you have essentially signaled that you are responsible for them. Rather than telling your sibling what they should do, focus on what you won’t do. And then, stick to your word. Maybe the problem lies in you being more responsive than they are, or you have disagreements with their parenting style. Unless the kids are in immediate danger, refrain from intervening. Don’t take baby steps. Your sibling takes care of their own children when you’re not around.
Each week, we present our readers with a question from Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email and request their responses. You can read last week’s edition here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a submission deadline on Mondays. Responses remain anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for clarity and conciseness.
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