Carolyn Hax: Feeling Anxious When He Takes Time to Respond

On the rare occasion that he doesn’t immediately reply to my texts, I find myself worrying if he’s lost interest in me or if I said something offensive. I have to remind myself that we agreed to a casual relationship, which is exactly what I want, so it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t respond right away.

Then, of course, he does reply, and we have a pleasant conversation. It’s clear that he still likes me, and internally, I can’t help but laugh at my own overreactions.

Due to my anxious-preoccupied attachment style, I understand that some of these feelings are just part of who I am. However, it’s frustrating to experience them, especially when this guy gives me no reason to feel this way. I sometimes feel like I’m going crazy, and I just want to enjoy the relationship. I’m currently in therapy to address this issue, but are there any day-to-day practices that can help me stop feeling this way?

Why Am I Like This?!: I can think of only one answer, and it’s a significant one: Trust yourself to be okay if the relationship doesn’t work out. Completely and utterly fine. Perhaps not immediately after it ends or during the painful process of being ghosted or losing his interest over time, but fine in the grand scheme of your life. You are your life partner; everyone else is optional and beyond your control.

So, when you are genuinely content with the idea of being alone with just yourself and believe deep down that even if you end up single with only your savings account and an open future, you will be okay? Then, the anxious attachments will disappear. This assurance comes from within and is entirely yours, regardless of whether “this guy gives me absolutely no reason to” worry.

It may sound oversimplified, but that’s the essence. It’s a topic worth exploring in therapy.