In my life, I have always been fond of being in control of every aspect, whether it be work or my daily routine at home. However, as I became a parent, I quickly realized that this mindset was not realistic. Witnessing my children struggle initially broke my heart, but I soon came to understand that every struggle presented an opportunity for growth.
I vividly remember a moment when my son was just two months old, and I whispered to him, “Promise me you’ll never break my heart.” As I held him near the window in his nursery, inhaling the scent of his hair and feeling the warmth of his squishy body against mine, I almost believed that if I held him tightly enough, he would comprehend just how much I loved him. However, it was unfair to both of us to expect such a thing. Little did I know at the time, but parenthood would teach me the invaluable lesson of relinquishing control.
Throughout my life, I prided myself on maintaining control in various situations. From managing my grades in school to overseeing the minutiae of my work, I was accustomed to being in charge. Even at home, I maintained a tight grip on the daily routine. However, the arrival of a newborn shattered this illusion of control. It was a drastic adjustment, and I remember feeling overwhelmed by the uncertainty and unexpected challenges that came with having a baby. Despite all my research and preparation, I found myself grappling with situations for which I was completely unprepared. For example, I wish someone had informed me earlier that bottles needed to be unwrapped before the baby arrived. In the late hours of the night, when my hungry infant was desperate for a feed, waiting for sanitized bottles became an exercise in futility. Nevertheless, amidst the chaos, my partner and I navigated our way through the challenges and learned valuable lessons along the way.
Initially, I avoided joining Mommy-and-me groups because being around other mothers of newborns triggered my anxiety. The incessant stream of questions and comparisons only intensified my feelings of inadequacy. However, as time went on, I grew more comfortable engaging with other moms and sharing our experiences. It was during this time that I realized the nerve-wracking ordeal of receiving a “pickup report” from preschool. Every day, I would anxiously wait as I pulled up to the school, hoping that the teacher would have positive news to share about my child’s behavior. Unfortunately, more often than not, I would find myself called aside as the teacher talked to me about my child’s conduct. It was a disheartening experience, and I couldn’t help but imagine worst-case scenarios. I longed to guide my children through each moment and effortlessly steer them towards making better choices, but the reality was that I couldn’t always control their actions.
Over the years, the incidents documented in the “pickup reports” varied. Some made us laugh, while others left us shaking our heads in bewilderment. I recall the Halloween when my older son adamantly refused to wear the race-car driver costume he had eagerly chosen. It seemed inexplicable. He had happily worn it for weeks without issue. However, on the day of the parade, he tore off the costume in a fit of rage, leaving his teacher to physically carry him into the classroom while every other child participated fully dressed. I cried on the way home, confused as to why my son was different. Similarly, my younger son struggled with separation anxiety and had difficulty sitting still. I would watch through the classroom window as he wandered around, unable to focus on the teacher’s story like the other children. It was heart-wrenching to witness their struggles, and my heart broke each time.
However, I have come to realize that these challenging moments were fleeting in the grand scheme of parenting. Halloween has now become a cherished holiday for my older son, and my younger son has blossomed into a committed student with a passion for exploring new activities. In these moments of frustration, it is crucial to remember that these experiences were simply firsts for both my children and me. I desired perfection and believed that I understood how things were supposed to unfold. However, I failed to recognize that I was also learning and growing alongside my children. Their quirks and challenges served as opportunities for me to appreciate the patience and guidance offered by their preschool teachers. The “pickup report” was not a critique but a means of support and assistance. These teachers possessed a unique ability to navigate through the big emotions of children, including my own.
Recalling that tender moment by the window, I now understand that it was unfair to ask my son not to break my heart because he inevitably will in countless ways each day. However, each time he does, it allows me to become a better parent. It strengthens my love for him, instills in me a fierce determination to fight for him, and teaches me to have grace and understanding during chaotic moments. The messy and cringe-worthy mishaps are all part of the process. My children are individuals with their own emotions and opinions, and it is not my job to control them. Instead, my role is to love and support them as they navigate their big feelings in the real world. Together, we will continue to grow and thrive, embracing the yetis of life, knowing that each heartbreak is an opportunity for growth.
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