I am delighted to share that my weekends have taken a joyful turn, with a sudden influx of invitations that I never expected but wholeheartedly welcome. It seems that I am once again in high demand, juggling multiple invitations to supper, jazz outings, weekends away, and even trips to the South of France. As someone in their 50s, I had come to believe that the days of dinner parties and social gatherings had vanished, perhaps lost to our fast-paced culture or the unfortunate circumstances brought about by Covid. I had resigned myself to quiet weekends in front of the TV, catching up on work, and spending time alone or occasionally with family. However, something has changed, and it’s not due to any personal transformation on my part. The only difference is that I have found a partner, and with that, I have transitioned from being a weekday-only friend to a social butterfly.
While I am thrilled to be back in the social scene, I can’t help but feel saddened and frustrated by the exclusion of single women from the plans and gatherings of those in committed relationships. During my many years of being single, it never occurred to my coupled friends to include me in their weekend plans, even if they were hosting our mutual friends for dinner. It was deeply hurtful. I often thought to myself, I can hold a lively conversation, I’m a great source of gossip, and I bring delicious desserts to the table. Yet, the weekends seemed to be reserved exclusively for couples. As a single woman, I was relegated to weekday meet-ups, where I would listen to my friends lament about their partners while I shared my dating mishaps. I longed for Saturday night dinner parties with a group of friends, but it always seemed out of reach.
Then, I met Stephen, a charming and thoughtful writer, after years of intermittent attempts at online dating and relationships that fizzled out after a few months at best. We have now been together for a wonderful 18 months, and it’s no coincidence that this year has been filled with more invitations than I can remember. Not only have our long-coupled friends welcomed us back into their social circles, but we have also had the thrill of meeting new couples and receiving invitations from them. I have truly gone from being a weekday-only friend to a social butterfly.
At my lowest point, when I was convinced that I would never find love, I would accompany my parents to garden open days just to have plans for the weekend. Thankfully, I enjoyed their company, but I’m sure my mom grew tired of my complaints about being left alone. My single friends in London were happy to meet up on Fridays or Saturdays, but their plans were often made weeks in advance to avoid spending the weekend alone. I confronted a few of my coupled-up friends about my predicament, and while they claimed that excluding me from weekend plans was not intentional, they always seemed mysteriously busy whenever I suggested something. They would initiate weekday meet-ups, which clashed with my evening work commitments. It made me feel unimportant and undervalued. I never quite understood if they preferred even numbers at the dinner table, felt embarrassed about having a single friend, or if their partners were not keen on my company. Did they fear that I would expose relationship anxieties or make the single life seem too enticing? Whatever their reasons, it left me feeling neglected.
You might wonder why I didn’t host my own gatherings – well, I did. Couples were mostly willing to accept my invitations, and I enjoyed entertaining on my own, despite the added workload of shopping, preparation, and cleaning up afterwards. However, the disappointment I felt when my guests didn’t extend a similar invitation in return was disheartening. One of the worst offenders was a friend who had actually met her partner at one of my parties ten years prior. He had accompanied another friend as their almost-ex. Though I frequently met up with my friend before they became a couple, she never invited me to join them once they started dating. When I finally confronted her about it, she claimed that he was embarrassed to meet up because of his previous connection to his ex. I found this explanation utterly pathetic and expressed my disappointment. We rarely see each other now. Another friend shared details of her dining-out club with other couples, seeking my advice on where they should go, but never inviting me to join. It made me feel like a neglected old maid, with nothing valuable to contribute to a fun night out.
However, since being in a relationship for the past year and a half, I have experienced things from the other side. My longstanding friends were naturally curious about Stephen, as I had only introduced one other boyfriend to a couple of pals, neither of whom took a liking to him. Perhaps due to my prolonged singlehood, everyone was eager to meet Stephen. It’s now difficult to find a free weekend in our calendars. Even more thrilling is the unexpected opportunity to make new couple friends. I am genuinely amazed to see my friendship group expanding. One of my lovely neighbors mentioned me to one of her customers, who generously reached out to invite me to her supper club. In a hilarious turn of events, Stephen and I mistakenly showed up a week early for the event and unintentionally gatecrashed their gathering. Despite our mishap, they graciously insisted that we join them, and we ended up spending an enjoyable hour together before sheepishly bidding them farewell. A week later, at the actual supper club, we found ourselves seated with two couples who, like us, share a deep passion for wine and food. I was pleasantly surprised when Stephen received a message the next day from one of the men, an IT entrepreneur, inviting us to dinner because he had thoroughly enjoyed our company.
Reflecting on my past experiences, particularly with my ex-husband, I realize that he was well-liked by our friends but came across as shy and aloof. Our social circle mainly consisted of my friends, as he struggled to maintain connections with his own acquaintances, let alone forge new friendships. Now, I have made a pact with myself that when we invite our captivating new friends (as well as my old ones) over, there will always be a place at the table for interesting and sociable individuals, both singles and couples. I am determined never to subject my single female friends to the same exclusionary treatment that I endured. Although, I may playfully extend an invitation to one of Stephen’s single male friends as well!
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