- As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter, I recently embraced my bisexuality after years of avoiding labels.
- I used to shy away from identifying my sexuality due to concerns about the expectations associated with a label.
- However, I’ve come to realize that labels can be empowering and can always be reconsidered and changed.
On a scorching August day two years ago, I found myself facing a questionnaire from my employer, aiming to gather information about the diversity of our newsroom. One particular question left me stumped: “What is your sexual orientation?”
Initially, I clicked on “straight,” but it didn’t sit well with me. So I checked the “queer” box, out of curiosity. I had spent my teenage years and early twenties happily in a long-term relationship, never questioning my sexuality until the final years of that partnership.
As I toggled back and forth between “queer” and “straight” on the form, I grew frustrated with my indecisiveness. Eventually, I submitted it, leaving the “queer” box checked, and promptly forgot about it.
As a sex and relationships reporter for Insider, I have dedicated nearly five years to writing about sexuality. However, when it came to my own identity, I avoided labels as soon as they entered my mind during my mid-20s. I feared that adopting a label would impose certain expectations upon me. Yet, whose expectations did I truly need to fulfill, beyond my own? Was it fair to demand certainty from myself before embracing my sexual identity?
Breaking free from assumed heterosexuality as a newly single woman in her 20s
In the following year and a half, I ventured into the world of dating apps and went on dates with various men, discovering how each interaction elicited different aspects of my personality. Occasionally, I pondered what it would be like to date a woman, but I quickly moved on, overwhelmed by the novel experience of adult dating.
Just as I was starting to grasp the intricacies of modern dating, I met my current boyfriend and experienced a deep sense of fulfillment in our connection, leaving behind the dating scene. For the most part, I put the work form out of my mind until February, when I stumbled upon Cara Delevingne’s show, “Planet Sex.”
Although I typically wouldn’t choose to watch a show starring Delevingne, as her persona tends to grate on me, the concept of the six-episode BBC series intrigued me: Delevingne, not an expert, but an eager learner seeking to understand her own sexuality. I decided to watch a few episodes for work purposes.
As I witnessed Delevingne’s visible discomfort during a women-only group masturbation class and heard her candid admission about her ongoing uncertainty regarding her sexual journey, I began questioning the confines I had placed upon myself.
The truth is, sexual labels exist for the individuals who choose them, but they are not necessary to feel secure or valid in one’s own sexuality, as previously explained by Rae McDaniel, a nonbinary and queer therapist and author of “Gender Magic.”
In the past, I used to believe that my inability to label my sexuality meant I had no right to embrace or even acknowledge my queerness. Nevertheless, after watching “Planet Sex,” I decided to approach those unknown aspects of myself with curiosity rather than worry. Seeking advice from my bisexual friend, I began attending more queer events in my community. I made a concerted effort to listen to music from queer artists and even attended a live concert by the indie-pop trio Muna with another bisexual friend. It was then that I finally experienced the pride and conviction I had expected when I initially checked off “queer” on that work form two years before.
By learning to acknowledge and accept the nuances of my own sexuality, I overcame my fears of uncertainty. As someone who often guides others in exploring the complexities of their lives and relationships through my work, I was now doing the same for myself. It felt exhilarating to embrace new labels, knowing that they are always subject to change.
After years of evading labels, I ultimately made the decision to come out as bisexual.
Labeling my sexuality: A daunting yet rewarding journey of self-acceptance
Three months after my realization from “Planet Sex,” I met with friends from college over drinks. We engaged in a conversation about the dating experiences of a newly single, bisexual woman among us. Another friend, who had once mentioned being bi-curious, confessed her difficulty in envisioning herself performing oral sex on another woman. In that moment, rather than silently overthinking my own position, I chose to speak up.
“I suppose I’m bisexual. I haven’t before, but I would be open to trying,” I declared, testing out the label. Without skipping a beat, the conversation shifted to discussing upcoming birthday plans. The casual nature of that interaction left me exhilarated. While my sexuality played a part in our discussion, it wasn’t the center of attention.
I continue to learn about my own sexuality, no longer fixating on the pace or choices I make along the way. Earlier this month, I intended to attend my neighborhood’s Pride Month block party but ended up canceling when my friend backed out at the last minute. I have yet to engage in sexual activity with a woman. After dating for 10 months, I finally disclosed my bisexuality to my boyfriend, immediately anxious about his response. To my relief, he smiled and expressed his gratitude for my openness, as we drove through a sun shower toward the most vibrant rainbow we had ever seen.
I cannot predict if the label of bisexuality will forever align with my identity, and that’s perfectly fine. If I do decide to change it, I will no longer perceive it as an indication of self-ignorance. Instead, it will represent my complete self-acceptance, including the parts of me that I am only just beginning to comprehend.
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