Discussing the subject of beauty with my three elementary-school-age daughters has always been a challenge. Despite my constant reminders that looks aren’t everything and that their character matters more, they remain skeptical. However, a year ago, while eavesdropping on my 9 and 6-year-old daughters, I overheard a conversation that shook me to my core. While discussing what I told them, the younger daughter said, “Momma says it doesn’t matter if you’re beautiful; it matters if you’re clever.” To which the elder replied, “She only says that because she’s already pretty.”
As I reveal in my book, “Flawless: Lessons in Looks and Culture From the K-Beauty Capital,” my children’s skepticism is valid. Study after study confirms that good looks can be a privilege. Attractive men usually earn more over their lifetime, and good-looking economics scholars are cited more often in academic papers. Research has also demonstrated that good-looking people are perceived as healthier, smarter, and more sociable for decades. I can’t ignore these advantages and erase them by ignoring them. Rebecca Herzig, a professor of gender and sexuality studies at Bates College, even regarded insisting that my children’s appearance doesn’t count as “a really complicated form of gaslighting.”
While living in Seoul, Korea, where I served as NPR’s Seoul bureau chief for nearly four years, my daughters, in particular, were heavily influenced by the Korean culture’s value of appearance. In Korean culture, people make comments about others’ looks out loud because the connection between appearance and worth is often considered as normal. Passport-photo businesses in Seoul retouch images by default, and parents reward high-school graduates with cosmetic surgery. My daughters also encountered phrases such as “hello,” “thank you,” and “so pretty” the most, which left lasting impressions on them.
In the United States, where we now live, popular culture often tries to ignore the advantages of physical beauty. Still, lookism is prevalent in American society, just like in Korea. Meanwhile, we see the algorithmic optimization of faces on our screens, through Instagram filters or even Zoom’s subtle “touch up my appearance” function, which transcends borders. All of which brings me back to the question I faced in the hallway that day: how can I teach my daughters not to overvalue their looks?
After conducting thorough research, I discovered several strategies to achieve this goal, such as complimenting young people for their imagination or curiosity instead of their looks and helping them understand the filters and AI effects used in social media. But most experts recommend caring less about one’s appearance as the overarching piece of parenting advice.
As I examined my subconscious beliefs about beauty, I confronted my biases about what’s “hot,” how and why I might judge others’ looks and mine and why I might want to alter my appearance. This process helped me identify my insecurities and reduce them. Now, I hardly spend time in front of mirrors, reject the temptation of injectables like Botox, and try to embrace the changes in my body that come with middle age. I lead by example, striving to model body neutrality and sensualism.
To help my daughters learn that appearance doesn’t define their worth, I also focus on teaching them body neutrality, emphasizing what their bodies can do rather than how they look, and sensualism, focusing on what their bodies feel. When we try on clothes, I ask them if they can move easily, if the fit is comfortable, and how the fabrics feel against their skin. I share my own anxieties about my body and how I try to overcome them but also emphasize that growth and change are still possible.
My eldest daughter, who is now ten, is obsessed with using skincare and makeup products from Millie Bobby Brown’s line. She is also undergoing changes in her body like her friends. While she’s worried about her body parts and physical changes, I share how I overcame my own insecurities and still work on them. I aim to teach them by leading by example and help them realize that adults, like kids, can change and grow too.
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