Sara Lyle and her husband have faced challenging divorces before embarking on their blended family journey. Together, they are raising their three sons: her 8-year-old and his two teenagers. Lyle shares four tips on how she is successfully blending her family on her own terms.
First and foremost, I want to clarify that I’m not an expert on blended families. While I do seek advice from knowledgeable sources, most of what I’ve learned has come from personal experience. Last December, my son and I moved in with my husband and his two older boys, ages 13 and 15.
Both my husband and I have gone through high-conflict divorces, which can be incredibly difficult. However, I am a firm believer in maintaining a positive outlook, and I believe that blending our family is worth the challenges. As this is our second marriage, we have a strong commitment to raising well-adjusted children.
One of the advantages of blending our family is that my husband and I have similar backgrounds and upbringings. We both hail from the same Florida beach town and have been friends since seventh grade. While we didn’t date in school, we reconnected last June when my husband reached out to wish me a belated birthday on Facebook Messenger. After realizing we were both going through divorces, we started talking and eventually decided to meet up. Our first date, which took place in our shared hometown, was nothing short of magical.
In the beginning, I didn’t want to label it as a date; it was simply reconnecting with an old friend. However, it turned out to be the best first date of my life. We enjoyed ax-throwing, took a stroll along the promenade, and had dinner with a breathtaking view of the ocean and stars. We didn’t want the night to end, so we drove along Indian River Drive with the moon reflecting on the Intracoastal, listening to country music on the radio.
After many conversations and meetups, my son and I made the decision to uproot our lives in Florida and move to Colorado. We officially tied the knot on my husband’s birthday in September. While I had some concerns about creating an “instant family,” I had complete faith in the strength of our relationship. And according to the US Census Bureau, there are millions of blended families like ours in America.
Now, let’s dive into my four tips for successfully blending a family on your own terms.
1. Involve the children in major decisions: One of the crucial steps we took was individually asking each of our children for their blessing at every stage of our relationship. From long-distance dating to moving in together and eventually getting married, we made sure to communicate with our children and consider their feelings. Including children in these life-changing decisions helps alleviate their anxiety, strengthens family bonds, and validates their importance within the family unit.
2. Focus on what you can control: We have found inspiration from the book “The Parallel Parenting Solution: Eliminate Conflict with Your Ex, Create the Life You Want” by Carl Knickerbocker. Knickerbocker emphasizes the importance of running your household autonomously and following your own values in creating a healthy family environment. While it’s commonly advised to maintain consistency between two households, we have found that making decisions based on our unique blended family’s needs has been more effective so far.
3. Foster bonding opportunities: Encourage activities that bring the family together, such as eating meals together and going on family outings. Despite the age gap between our 8-year-old and his teenage step-brothers, we emphasize their similarities and organize outings that appeal to multiple family members. We also prioritize patience and empathy within the family.
4. Prioritize your relationship: Remember that a strong relationship between parents is vital for a healthy family dynamic. We make it a priority to spend quality time together, especially on weekends without the kids. Open and honest communication is key in addressing any issues and maintaining a loving partnership. By setting a good example as loving parents, we hope to raise good men.
In conclusion, blending a family can be challenging, but it is a journey worth embarking on. By involving the children in major decisions, focusing on what you can control, fostering bonding opportunities, and prioritizing your relationship, you can create a harmonious and loving blended family.
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