I am a 76-year-old widower, living alone since my wife passed away eight years ago and my daughter moved out two years ago. Despite having a reasonable social life and various interests, I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for the past two years. These thoughts revolve around causing harm to someone, particularly using knives or hurting a loved one. It’s puzzling why these thoughts persist as I am not an aggressive person. While I have always been in control, I would appreciate any advice on how to minimize the impact of these thoughts on my life.
Firstly, I want to express my gratitude for reaching out, and I am truly sorry for your loss. Emotionally, eight years may not feel like a substantial amount of time, especially when coping with the absence of a loved one. It’s interesting to note that your intrusive thoughts emerged around the same time your daughter moved out.
It is quite normal to experience intrusive thoughts, which are unwanted thoughts that enter our minds. They can range from imagining undesirable scenarios involving loved ones or ourselves to “what if” thoughts about causing harm. I, too, have encountered them, particularly when I became a mother and felt overwhelmed by the responsibility. These thoughts still occur occasionally.
It’s crucial to recognize that what we think and what we do are distinct. Although intrusive thoughts can be associated with other mental health disorders, and some individuals act on them, I don’t believe that is the case here.
I consulted with two specialists this week: Joanna Willow, a UKCP-registered psychotherapist, and Dr. Harriet Garrod, a BPS-registered psychologist, both well-versed in this field. Based on the information you provided, neither specialist believed there was anything alarming for you to worry about, which I hope brings you some relief. However, it is understandable that you would prefer not to have these thoughts.
We suspect that living alone may be a contributing factor. Without an outlet, your thoughts and emotions can turn inwards, similar to a bottle of strong cordial. It becomes an undrinkable mixture. By sharing these feelings with friends, they become diluted and more manageable. Is this the first time you’ve confided in someone about these thoughts? You may feel that you aren’t “allowed” to have these emotions, causing them to manifest as intrusive thoughts.
I inquired about the reasons behind these thoughts. Willow explained, “Intrusive feelings often stem from fear, especially during periods of stress.” According to Dr. Garrod, they can also result from unresolved distress or trauma. Considering the sequence of events with your wife’s passing and your daughter leaving, it’s possible that these experiences have triggered these emotions. You may be feeling sad, angry, lonely, or a range of other emotions that you might believe are unacceptable. As a result, they manifest as intrusive thoughts. Based on your letter, you sound like a good-hearted person who has never harmed anyone, and perhaps these intense emotions scare you.
So, what can you do? Both specialists suggested keeping a record of when these thoughts occur and identifying the triggers. Dr. Garrod recommended writing down the trigger and its significance, then using that information to help process it. Additionally, you can try to recall positive memories associated with those triggers. For instance, if you imagine wanting to hurt someone, instead of avoiding that feeling, ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way? What emotion am I experiencing?” Suppose it’s anger. In that case, you can recall a happy memory you shared with your wife to rewire that thought process—for example, recognizing that anger stems from missing your wife. This may sound simplistic, but it can be effective.
Moreover, it would be beneficial for you to confide in someone. While I have included some links below, you can also reach out to a friend or your daughter, although I understand that you find these thoughts frightening and may be hesitant to discuss them. As Willow points out, “These thoughts don’t define who you are, but finding a way to alleviate the stress and anxiety could potentially break the cycle.”
In terms of when to be concerned about intrusive thoughts, both specialists emphasized the importance of recognizing when thoughts become impulsive rather than remaining mere thoughts. If you develop a compelling urge to act on them and your rational mind struggles to intervene, or if you begin formulating plans, these would be red flags.
It might also be beneficial to consult your general practitioner and explore the possibility of receiving counseling. Each week, I address personal problems submitted by readers in my column. If you would like advice, please send your problem to [email protected]. Unfortunately, I’m unable to engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Comments on this article will be premoderated to maintain a discussion focused on the topics it raises. Please note that there may be a short delay before comments appear on the site. You can find the latest episodes of my podcast here.
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