- My child and my now-stepson begged us not to get married 19 years ago.
- My then-boyfriend and I had been together for four years and wanted to commit in a deeper way.
- We decided we couldn’t let our kids dictate our life, and we haven’t regretted it.
Nowadays, my stepson asks me for advice and says he loves getting to know me better. My child welcomes their stepdad’s tips on everything from car maintenance to fishing to the best movies from the ’70s.
These breezy friendships would have seemed the stuff of fantasy 19 years ago. Back then, my child—who uses gender-neutral pronouns—and my stepson simmered with resentment over their parents’ pending nuptials, with my then-8-year-old pleading through tears for me to cancel the plans and my stepson communicating his deep displeasure with one-word answers, icy silence, and hanging up the phone quickly.
We wondered whether we should wait
We were in our late 40s, together for four years—living together for two of them—and wanted to commit in a deeper way, to support each other in navigating the twists and pivots of midlife, and to grow old together as a married couple. We wanted to do all this without upsetting our three kids, but two of them were making it clear that would be impossible.
“Should we wait,” I asked my fiancé one night over dinner. “Maybe until the kids are grown? Or maybe not at all?”
I winced at the thought. My fiancé averted his gaze, his eyes misting.
I did everything I could to make my child happy
As a single working mom, I rode waves of sadness for a marriage gone wrong, a misguided coupling that had robbed my child of the traditional loving family life I had promised even before they were born. In response, I did all I could to ensure they were happy, generally giving them what they wanted. Like me, my fiancé found it nearly impossible to say no to his kids.
But this time felt different, an outsize sacrifice that would assuage our children in the short term but sow seeds of resentment that I could feel taking root in me already.
As modern parents, we often deferred to our kids on weekend activities, restaurant choices, and what to cook for dinner. Where they wanted to go, what they wanted to do, when we should leave, and how long we stayed were largely dictated by our children. Our efforts at “discipline” were framed as questions (“Honey, can we get down off the chair, please?”). They were the center of our world and, in large part, its directors.
Putting our needs first would deliver a seismic jolt.
We couldn’t let them dictate our love life
My partner and I knew our kids would struggle but were self-aware enough to know that handing them the power to determine our romantic lives forever and prioritizing their immediate happiness over an issue of such consequence was an unwise move for them and for us. And a growing body of research agreed with us.
“We can’t let our kids dictate our lives until we die,” I said about a week later after dinner. “They’ll grow up and build their own lives, and our relationship will be held back, configured to their will. That can’t happen.”
My partner agreed.
In the following weeks, we set a date and did what our kids could not: look beyond the moment with life experience and perspective to know that where you are emotionally is not always where you’ll stay.
We never regretted getting married
Our parental wisdom proved right. As our kids wrestled with our decisions throughout their teen years, we played the long game, ready to forge deeper trust and connection as soon as they were ready. As they crossed the threshold into young adulthood, we sensed a shift. Our kids broached gnarly conversations on confusion, anger, and acting out, their hard edges softening. We opened our grateful hearts to their truths, their pain, and their honesty.
While our decision to get married was fraught, it’s one we’ve never regretted. Our adult children are making their way in a complicated world, and we’re here for them. Meanwhile, my husband and I are walking the surprisingly wobbly terrain of early retirement, grateful to be growing old together just as we predicted.
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