When Lena McPeters initiated contact with her now-girlfriend on Facebook Dating, she was immediately attracted to her physical appearance. However, they soon discovered that they didn’t share a common language. Despite this obstacle, Lena, an English-speaking hotel manager in Lubbock, Texas, and Camilla, a Spanish-speaking factory supervisor from Dallas, found a way to communicate using translator apps. Their conversations were challenging at times, as things didn’t always translate accurately. Nonetheless, they persevered, and after three months, Camilla visited Lena for the first time. Lena was initially nervous about the language barrier during their first car ride together, but they ended up having a great time. Lena’s friends instantly adored Camilla, and Lena acted as her translator, summarizing stories for her. Now, 10 months later, they live together, even though they haven’t fully mastered each other’s languages.
In today’s world, multilingual relationships are more feasible than ever before. Factors such as globalization, accessible travel, and social media have made it easier to connect with individuals who speak different languages. Language-learning resources like Duolingo are readily available, and translator apps have improved in terms of speed and accuracy, gaining popularity. This is an opportune time for falling in love across language barriers, and through my conversations with individuals who have experienced this type of relationship, I have come to appreciate the unique qualities of courage, humor, and patience that love requires.
In these relationships, partners are drawn to each other not solely based on conversation but on nonverbal cues and connections. Profound discussions may not be the immediate focus, but partners still develop a strong understanding of one another through a combination of smiles, body language, and tone of voice. Nai Chieh Tien, a psychologist who specializes in intercultural couples and family therapy, affirms that a significant amount of communication happens without words. People may find each other captivating for various reasons, such as the way they carry themselves or the way they interact with others. In some cases, a language barrier can alleviate the usual pressure and awkwardness of a first date, allowing individuals to relax and be themselves. This was the case for Sabrin Hasbun, who grew up hearing amusing anecdotes about her parents’ multilingual courtship. Her father, lacking Italian language skills, expressed his affection through Frank Sinatra songs, creating a romantic atmosphere. Inspired by her parents’ experience, Sabrin learned Spanish, Sergio’s native language, as they communicated using her basic English and Sergio’s limited Italian. Instead of being fearful, Sabrin found the language barrier to be fun and liberating.
Individuals like Sabrin who willingly navigate a language barrier demonstrate a self-selecting openness and initiative. Research indicates that those with more open-mindedness and social initiative tend to be more comfortable in multilingual relationships. Jean-Marc Dewaele, a linguistics professor, suggests that individuals who are more anxious or neurotic may view the obstacles as insurmountable. Optimism and curiosity are crucial traits in these relationships, as partners stumble through conversations, willing to explore and learn from each other. Although multilingual relationships may be challenging for some individuals, those who attempt them possess a desire for personal growth and new experiences.
Despite their efforts to communicate, misunderstandings are bound to occur. Sabrin, for instance, unintentionally misled her partner, Sergio, about her New Year’s Eve plans, causing him to believe she wanted to end the relationship. This confusion became apparent only weeks later when Sergio expressed relief for not losing her, leaving Sabrin bewildered. Even when using the correct words, partners with different linguistic backgrounds may interpret things differently. For example, Finnish people are comfortable with silence, while Morris, who speaks Dutch and Bosnian, initially interpreted Erika’s silence as anger. These cultural and linguistic nuances can create challenges in expressing oneself accurately and comprehending conversations fully. Furthermore, phrases like “I love you” differ in intensity across languages and cultures. The emotional resonance of expressing affection in a native language can surpass the impact of the same words in a foreign language.
These language barriers can also impact personalities, leading individuals to feel like a different person when speaking a non-native tongue. Researchers have found that 85% of participants experienced this phenomenon, which can be attributed to the lack of emotional resonance and language fluency. Partners who share a common language might have a more balanced power dynamic, whereas partners who use a lingua franca, a neutral language for both individuals, may lose a crucial part of their identity. There is a concern among multilingual couples that they may never fully know each other’s true selves.
Asemahle Giwu, a teacher in Johannesburg, South Africa, is one of the individuals who expressed this concern. Meeting each other’s true selves can be challenging in a multilingual relationship, but it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and understanding. Each language brings its own emotional nuance and cultural context that may not fully transfer to a different language. The words used in a first language are often deeply ingrained with emotional experiences, such as a teacher’s disapproving face when uttering a bad word as a child or the enduring impact of hearing parents express love over the years. These “rich emotional connotations” may not carry over to subsequent languages, at least not initially. Consequently, individuals may struggle to navigate conversations involving flirting, affection, arguments, or discussions about the future, fearing that words may not adequately convey their emotions.
Engaging in a relationship across language barriers requires resilience, adaptability, and a willingness to embrace new experiences. Although challenges exist, these relationships have the potential to foster personal growth and deepen connections. The language barrier, instead of being viewed as an insurmountable obstacle, can become an opportunity for love to transcend linguistic boundaries and create a bond that defies words.
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