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Good evening, you capitalist pigs. There was a time when I adored my audience. You were the most intelligent, courageous, and extraordinary individuals I had ever encountered. Most of you could handle criticism with grace. It was like a circus, except instead of bearded ladies, we had swimmers at a meet.
But then, while I was waiting at my gynecologist’s office, I stumbled upon a copy of Forbes magazine. It used to care about its readers too, but not anymore. Do you remember when the magazine focused on assisting readers in making wise investments, building wealth, and achieving better lives for themselves and their families? It’s now owned by a front for China’s sovereign wealth fund, but I’m sure that wouldn’t influence their perspectives, right?
Thanks to Forbes, I finally comprehend that wealth is inherently evil, just like its readers.
This revelation emerged from the magazine founded by Malcolm Forbes, a man who was so affluent that he dined on Faberge eggs every morning. And you know what that implies? Capitalism is evil, which means America is evil. Consequently, all of you are evil too, just like Shannon Bream. Yes, Forbes has labeled you horrendous individuals. Let’s examine a few recent headlines: “Wake up, be woke and lead the change: Overcoming DE&I opposition.” In this article, writer Aniela Unguresan made me realize that my aversion to being woke stems from my “fear of change, fear of losing power and privilege,” and, of course, my “bias and prejudice.” What a relief, right? I thought it was because I have various allergies. Unguresan, which I believe is Mongolian for “Brooklyn Cat Lady,” proceeds to outline methods for overcoming bias, including transparent communication. It reminds me of conversations I had with Kat over the phone through prison plexiglass.
However, for the left, transparent communication means you must sit silently while they shout at you. Here’s another enlightening piece from Forbes: “Is the ‘War on Woke’ a War on Our Country’s Future?” Writer Jeff Raikes theorizes that the right aims to deprive LGBTQ+ individuals of their “hard-won human rights” and that to conservatives, being woke is analogous to communism. This phrase is intended to provoke fear and unite the fragmented GOP caucus. Ah, Raikes is absolutely correct. I had no idea all you jerks wanted to prevent gays from voting. Have you no shame? Personally, I believe voting should be more LGBTQ+ friendly, perhaps by arranging voting booths with glory holes. Now, now, now. Before you criticize me for making juvenile gay sex jokes, let me remind you that I have several gay men on my staff. Now, we come to the latest Forbes article that denigrates evil capitalists. Mark Travers discusses the “Wealth Love Paradox” and presents bizarre studies linking wealth to unethical behavior, such as a lenient attitude towards rules, a skewed ethical compass, a lack of consideration, and an obsessive focus on winning. It sounds like my old Match.com profile.
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What has Forbes become, you may wonder? This once-revered symbol of affluence now disparages the very system that aided them. I haven’t witnessed a magazine insulting its readership to this extent since Playboy showcased Rosie O’Donnell. Nevertheless, it’s not just Forbes. Nowadays, Wall Street heavily favors donating to Democrats over Republicans. So what if illegal immigrants overwhelm our schools? Their children attend private institutions. Did your daughter lose a bike race to a man? Buy her a faster Ferrari. Yes, even our wealthy class has succumbed to the woke ideology. Perhaps it’s a consequence of receiving eight COVID shots. What on earth is happening here? Well, it’s evident that some serious self-loathing is underway. I haven’t encountered such self-loathing since Carlos Danger. The truth is, while they hide behind calls for equity and diversity, progressives are truly incensed by American success.
Despite its flaws, America remains the most successful experiment in human governance of all time. Nowhere else will self-reliance and hard work be as consistently rewarded. Where else could an African immigrant become the world’s wealthiest person with only their intellect and a hair transplant? Does success happen in every instance? Of course not. Will everyone achieve it? No. And sometimes, individuals are rewarded despite being a burden on society. But let me tell you something, not everyone can have a bestselling book, a hit show, and be attractive all at once. Thank you.
No, no, no, not her. Nope, not him either. Who is this camera operator? Anyway, despite their incessant virtue signaling, the Forbes team cannot refute the fact that America’s capitalist system is the reason why people here can attain such immense success. It’s also why America continues to lead the world, even when our current leader veers off course. Furthermore, it’s the reason why someone pays them to write these banal clichés. Here’s some excellent news for Forbes though, according to new census data, US household incomes have declined for the third consecutive year. The Wall Street Journal reports that due to the exorbitant cost of housing and economic downturns, an increasing number of baby boomers are experiencing homelessness.
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So, whose basements will their children reside in? Problem solved. It appears Forbes is getting its wish. Soon, the wealthy individuals they despise won’t exist anymore. As a result, we’ll all be poor but morally virtuous because apparently the poor are angels. If Forbes has its way, we’ll be seeking financial advice from these individuals.
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Look, here’s the bottom line – America isn’t known for providing perfectly equal outcomes. We’re known for offering opportunities. And opportunities require hard work and dedication. Here, individuals from various backgrounds can still achieve and succeed. Take me, for example. I started as a witty columnist for a small magazine, and now I own ten slaughterhouses.
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However, that’s not the case in Uruguay – except for their neighbors, Paraguay and Loserguay. So you know what? I think I love all of you once again. Do you want to know why? Because you’ve earned your success. Regardless of what Forbes may think, whatever level of the American dream you have reached, you and your families deserve to enjoy it, starting with tonight’s show.
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