The former top editor and his wife had barely stepped foot into our flat when my husband exclaimed that our bathroom door was broken. I was embarrassed. The renowned figure in British journalism hadn’t even been offered a drink. But then I realized it could have been worse. Earlier that day, when our sliding door came off its rail, I had considered canceling the dinner. My partner suggested we use a bedsheet as a makeshift entrance to the toilet. Thankfully, we decided against it and by the evening, although barely functional, the door could be dragged along the floor for a semblance of privacy. I figured things could only improve from that point on.
It was an unbelievable time. Our three-month-old baby kept us up all night. Hosting a dinner party in our small two-bedroom flat during my maternity leave was never part of the plan. I can’t even remember how the invitation was extended or why I thought it was a good idea. I do remember panicking and calling my incredibly helpful mother, who not only brought the starter course but also bathed and put our baby to bed while we entertained downstairs. When I later shared the evening with my colleagues, they were shocked, not just at the broken door but at the fact that we had agreed to host the dinner in the first place. Why would I put myself in a situation with so many potential pitfalls?
The best explanation I have is that I wanted to do something nice for someone who gave me my start in journalism. Additionally, television had taught me that having the boss over for dinner was a rite of passage for ambitious professionals or, at the very least, a great setup for jokes. In popular shows like Mad Men and The Simpsons, characters go to great lengths to impress their bosses with mixed results. However, as I delved deeper, I struggled to find real-life examples of this TV trope. Not many people I spoke to had ever heard of such a practice. The notion of employees entertaining their bosses seemed to be a thing of the past.
One exception was Atul Sood, the CEO of Kitchen United, a ghost kitchen company in California. Sood shared that throughout his career, he had invited both bosses and employees to his house for meals and drinks. He believed that such interactions helped build lasting relationships and deep friendships. “I’m happy and proud that I’ve taken what some consider to be a risk and hope more people, at every level of a company, do so,” he messaged me on LinkedIn.
According to experts like Jacqueline Whitmore, a business etiquette specialist based in Palm Beach, Florida, the practice of inviting the boss to dinner seemed to have originated in small-town America, particularly in the south, during a time when men spent their entire careers in one company, wives stayed at home, and houses were larger. However, even back then, it was typically high-ranking executives who extended the invitation. More commonly, meetings would take place in public settings. Whitmore also emphasized that hosting the boss required the right space and could be expensive and intimidating. This remains true today, even in countries like Japan, where it is customary for the most senior employee to organize social events at restaurants or izakayas.
I reached out to my mother-in-law, who has lived in Tallahassee, Florida for four decades, and she confirmed that throughout her career, she had invited her bosses over for dinner multiple times. In fact, one boss even stayed at her house while recovering from surgery. She assured me that none of this seemed strange at the time. These occurrences, which she said still happen among her peers, are driven more by community connections than a desire for career advancement.
Looking at the idea of inviting the boss to dinner through my lens as the FT’s management editor, it’s no wonder that this trend has faded. Younger workers, already missing out on job security and generous pension plans, prioritize a better work-life balance and view loyalty differently. Hosting the boss simply requires too much effort. It’s expensive and impractical, especially in cities where living spaces are smaller and shared. Inviting your manager to a cramped one-bedroom flat or a house with unruly roommates is more likely to have negative consequences than positive ones. “Younger generations, Gen Zers, and even millennials don’t socialize with their co-workers like boomers and Gen Xers used to. They prefer going out with their closest friends,” explained Whitmore. The pandemic has further impacted these intergenerational workplace relationships. Many younger workers prefer the flexibility of remote work and have little desire to entertain their managers. Instead, companies seek guidance on how junior employees should interact with their bosses.
While some aspects of work life have become less formal, such as dress codes and office amenities, there is also a push to establish boundaries and protect personal time. The presence of more women in the workforce and leadership positions has transformed employee-manager relationships and workplace culture. People are now more conscious of how relationships are nurtured and what socializing with colleagues entails. Can deals be sealed over drinks? Is it appropriate to follow employees on social media? Should one accept dinner invitations from subordinates? These questions highlight the importance of building formal processes for career advancement, especially for women who often miss out on networking opportunities. Thomas Roulet, an associate professor in organization theory at the University of Cambridge, explained that in the past, bosses may have dined at an employee’s home to foster engagement and motivation. However, managers need to maintain a certain level of distance to provide unbiased feedback and guidance, particularly when employees are struggling. Falling into a “friendship trap” can hinder effective leadership. Many bosses and employees struggle to maintain the necessary professional dynamics required for success.
In conclusion, inviting the boss to dinner has become a rarity in modern workplaces. Changing attitudes towards work-life balance, smaller living spaces, and the need to establish boundaries have contributed to the decline of this tradition. While there are still instances where bosses and employees socialize outside of work, it is more likely driven by community connections rather than career advancements. As the business world continues to evolve, it is crucial to strike a balance between building relationships and maintaining professional boundaries.
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