Dear Carolyn,
I had a concerning experience last Friday when my 17-year-old daughter and her friends were leaving for an evening event. They were all dressed in revealing and tight dresses. I shared my worries only with my wife, who mentioned that this type of fashion is popular right now. However, I am concerned that these revealing dresses will contribute to the objectification of my daughter. Growing up in a more conservative country, while my wife was raised in the United States, may have influenced my perspective. Nevertheless, it is difficult for me to accept the potential mistreatment my daughter might face.
As a father and husband, I am unsure how to navigate this situation. In a society where women are constantly objectified and sexualized, how can I help my daughter develop a healthy internal dialogue regarding the clothes she chooses to wear to events?
Anonymous:
To promote a healthy internal dialogue, it is essential to view the objectification of women as a problem created by chauvinistic behavior, rather than something women create with their choice of attire. This perspective is meant for your own internal dialogue.
Regarding your daughter, if her values lead her to live her life on her terms, using them as her moral compass as she grows and adapts, then her fashion choices may align beautifully with her belief system.
It was smart of you to stay silent in the moment. I believe that the ability to think before speaking is a superpower for any parent with teenagers.
Dear Carolyn,
My sister and I have always had a strained relationship. We fought as children, teenagers, and even in college. As adults, we have never managed to bridge the gap between us. There is no particular trauma or reason for our rivalry, it simply exists. I have sought therapy and made efforts to reach out to her and her children, but she never responds or acknowledges the gifts I send to her kids.
I have somewhat given up on resolving this issue, but now that I live abroad, I have found a life partner who has a child. It is my parents’ wish to have all their children and grandchildren together under one roof. However, my sister refuses to compromise or collaborate on family vacations, even though we would be traveling internationally with our partner and child. I suggested meeting on the East Coast, avoiding a journey of more than 20 hours, but they insist on their annual trip to the Midwest, which is difficult for all of us, including our parents.
How can we find a middle ground, both literally and figuratively?
Nearly Estranged Sister,
In all honesty, you may not be able to find a middle ground with your sister. It does not seem like she is interested in contributing to a compromise, based on her past behavior. It is important to come to terms with this realization.
The primary issue here is the longstanding broken relationship between you and your sister, which unfortunately cannot be addressed through this column. However, when you expect your sister to behave differently because of your new life partner, you introduce a new problem to an already existing one. These two aspects are separate, except in your heart. Your sister’s travel plans and vision of family are not influenced by your new role as a parent. It seems that she has no intention of changing her ways.
I understand that this is disappointing, and I sympathize with your sister’s desire to not delay their annual trip, as travel can be cumbersome and expensive, especially with children. It is best to respect their decision regarding their family’s travel arrangements.
Accepting who your sister is and her unwillingness to change will allow you to move forward and create your own plans instead of feeling constantly frustrated and hopeless. If she says no, plan your visit to your parents independently. Focus on building a more functional and fulfilling home for yourself and your new family.
Overall, it seems that there were missed opportunities during your childhood to prioritize emotional well-being. It’s important to let go of these past experiences and focus on creating a healthier environment for yourself and your loved ones.
Best of luck,
Carolyn
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