- At 35, I started having intrusive thoughts about harming my loved ones.
- I was diagnosed with OCD, which was a relief but also confusing.
- I eventually learned more about OCD and how to manage it to live a happy life.
I knew I had anxiety, but I always thought I had it under control. At 35, I was just pushing through a hard time at work, and I thought I just had to deal with the extreme stress.
Finally, I snapped.
I started having horrible thoughts about harming my loved ones. These thoughts were violent, scary, and unlike anything I’d experienced. I was terrified that I would “lose control” and hurt someone — even though I didn’t want to harm anyone.
Then I had my first panic attack. My legs started shaking uncontrollably, and I had a hard time breathing. I worried I was going insane and needed to go to a mental hospital for the rest of my life.
Thankfully, I got the help I needed and was eventually diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
My thoughts suddenly became unbearable
I was diagnosed with depression when I was in high school and later diagnosed with anxiety in college, so I was used to anxious thoughts. But when my thoughts became violent, I got worried.
Having these kinds of thoughts about harming loved ones was really frightening, especially since I’d never had anything like them before.
I worried about being around my family since I didn’t want to somehow “lose control” and hurt them. It got to the point where I wouldn’t go into the kitchen because I didn’t think I could trust myself around knives. I felt totally lost.
After I had my first panic attack, I sought help
I connected with a therapist about a week after my breakdown. I told my therapist about what I’ve been dealing with, and she told me they were intrusive thoughts. She validated how scary these thoughts must be but reassured me that they meant nothing about me as a person. We created a plan to navigate around these intrusive thoughts and how to not identify with them. I then met with a psychiatrist who prescribed me an SSRI.
Both my therapist and psychiatrist said I had undiagnosed OCD. Anxiety and OCD have very similar traits, and it can be hard to tell the difference between the two.
I was confused. I thought OCD was when you were hyper-focused on germs and cleaning. That certainly wasn’t me, so how could I have OCD?
As it turns out, I learned OCD can manifest in a few ways. For example, people with OCD can experience disturbing thoughts or worries about violent or sexually inappropriate behavior. They can also fear exposure to germs or bacteria that can harm themselves or others. They can also experience a fear of “losing control.”
The most difficult part about OCD is your brain’s reaction to an intrusive thought. To stop these unsettling and scary feelings, people might use avoidance, isolation, or constantly seek reassurance. This compulsive behavior only makes the intrusive thoughts occur more often and with more intensity.
Plus, mental health is like a moving target, and symptoms can change over time. For example, my OCD used to manifest in worrying harm would befall my loved ones. Now, it also manifests in worrying I could lose control and hurt someone — even though I don’t want to.
But after my diagnosis, I felt relief. It made so much sense, and I could connect the dots to a lot of other behaviors I exhibited as a child that were compulsions. But my parents had no idea that it was OCD at the time.
Thankfully, I rarely have these kinds of intrusive thoughts anymore
My therapist helped me develop several tools to address my OCD, and my medication lessens the intrusive thoughts from happening in the first place.
I’ve learned to acknowledge when I’m having an intrusive thought, remind myself to not identify with it, and let it pass.
That’s not to say I don’t have my bad days, but I know what to do when I have one. I no longer worry about losing control because I know that I’m in control of how I respond to thoughts and feelings.
If you struggle with intrusive thoughts, you’re not alone. But if they’re hindering your life or causing you to feel fearful or stressed, talk to a mental-health professional.
Normalizing mental health is incredibly important, which is why I want to share my story. With the help of therapy and medication, I’m able to live a full and happy life.
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