It’s that time of year again, my absolute favorite! The air is getting crisp, and Dunkin’ is up to some questionable antics with their pumpkin spice munchkins. And to top it off, it seems like all the singles are flocking to Playa Escondida? Something feels off. I can’t help but worry about the migration patterns of those elusive influencers and wannabe influencers from the insurance industry. The premiere date for Bachelor in Paradise keeps getting pushed back every year, and it just doesn’t feel right. BiP is the epitome of summer TV programming. I should be lounging by the pool, sipping a margarita, and enjoying all the drama. Depending on the number of episodes this season (usually around 10, but who knows, maybe we’ll get 16 like last year), we might be watching our favorite hot girls and himbos frolicking in the sand while ABC Family airs its 25 Days of Christmas. Is there anything we can do to restore the natural order? Should we hold a telethon? Maybe get Gal Gadot to do another rendition of “Imagine”? I’m getting desperate here! I’m sitting here writing this recap, wearing a jean jacket, and sipping a hot chai latte. It feels so wrong! But I care deeply about this absurd show, which is why I’m so passionate about it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Bachelor in Paradise is my favorite version of the Bachelor franchise. And right from the start, I’m reminded why. We’re treated to a new cast intro where they dance to the Flashdance theme. It goes on for a bit too long, and they don’t fully commit to it, but that’s what makes this show so charming. I’m guessing that next week, we’ll go back to the “Almost Paradise” sitcom-style intros, and I can’t wait to see the ridiculous poses the producers come up with. With that goofy tone set, Jesse welcomes us to the saddest, grayest beach I’ve ever seen. Did they film on an unusually overcast day and couldn’t reshoot? Was it too expensive to color-correct the sky? Or is Playa Escondida just naturally unwelcoming? Maybe that’s fitting considering what’s about to unfold. Jesse also reminds us that one couple will get married on the beach, teasing it since Charity’s Men Tell All. I have a feeling it’s just a fake-out and another Bachelor Nation couple will show up to televise their wedding. Who needs a traditional wedding with family and friends when you can do it on TV surrounded by people in bathing suits? Now let’s meet (or re-meet) the contestants! First up is Rachel Recchia, gazing at a rose with a wistful look. It wasn’t until she quipped, “Oh, sorry, I just do that sometimes now,” that I realized she was mimicking a rose ceremony. I thought she was still sad about her final rose recipient cheating on her. You already know how I feel about former show leads returning – I’m not a fan – so I won’t rant about it right now. Just know that whenever Rachel appears, I think, “She shouldn’t even be here!” Next, we have Brayden shopping for statement jewelry and doing yoga. He claims he didn’t like how he came across during Charity’s season and that he’s grown. I hope so, because it’s been tiring defending a guy who’s mainly just obnoxious. But I have my doubts. Now it’s time to re-introduce Kylee, known for being sent home via Zoom when Zach Shallcross tested positive for COVID. That must have been humiliating, but Kylee is ready to bounce back and become a hot commodity, as her chyron indicates. However, she’s only interested in Aven, who has been liking her selfies. They haven’t spoken, except for a fire emoji he sent on one of her thirst traps. But she already envisions marrying him at the end of Paradise. Oh, sweet summer child, don’t you know that your innocent vulnerability will be exploited for the sake of good television? I’m glad she shared this information with us, though. It’s often not until weeks into the show that we find out two people have been talking outside of the show, completely shifting the dynamics on the beach. It’s unreasonable to expect no communication off-screen, but it’s relevant information, and I want to know what’s happening in those DMs! Let’s do a quick rundown of the rest of the intros to refresh our memories: Aaron made a crash landing at Charity’s finale, Mercedes brought a pig, Sean looks like a Ken doll (with a snarky caption stating he doesn’t actually resemble Ken – the editors are getting sassy!), Jess wore glitter, Will’s jacket ended up in the pool, Brooklyn has a catchphrase about shoes, Kat got less botox on her eyes this time, and Blake got engaged to Katie and now saves sharks (?) for a living. I’m personally not a fan of sharks, but I adore Blake, so this segment was a bit tough for me. Rachel is the first to arrive, and she looks a bit different, maybe a little smoother. Jesse hypes it up as a historic moment, and for a second, I thought he would say it’s the first time a former Bachelorette has come to Bachelor in Paradise, forgetting about Becca. But no, he claims Rachel is the second Bachelorette to return to the beach in search of love. That’s not historic. Being the second person to do something isn’t groundbreaking. Just ask Buzz Aldrin. Jesse also tells Rachel that she’s the very first person to arrive, and she reacts as if he’s just told her a sharknado blew away the beach. Her shock is charming. This girl is so genuine and trusting; she doesn’t have a cynical bone in her body. Plus, she calls Jesse “Jess,” and it’s absolutely adorable. Aaron is up next, and Jesse notes that he seems more relaxed, to which Aaron attributes to turning 30. I turned 30 last year and immediately started experiencing back problems, so I don’t know what he’s talking about. (Although, to be fair, I was also seven months pregnant at the time.) Brooklyn, Cat (with a C), Sean, and Will make their entrances in quick succession, followed by Kylee. Things are heating up now. Both Aaron and Will have their eyes on Kylee, who is still hung up on Aven. Aaron pulls Kylee aside, and she mentions that she’s considering moving to San Diego, where Aaron works as a realtor. Brayden, Eliza (who left after finding herself in a love triangle with Rodney and Justin last season), Greer and Mercedes from Zach’s season, as well as Aaron S. from Charity’s season, are the next to arrive. While they exchange greetings and catch up, the editors give us a montage of every time someone says the word “vibe,” and they attempt to be clever by including a “Vibe Counter” at the bottom of the screen. It’s not very impressive. If they’re going to do it, they should commit and keep it going throughout the entire show. But really, complaining about the word “vibe” is such a boomer thing to do. It’s like those snobs who complained about people saying “like” back in 2009. Language evolves, and trying to control it is not the vibe we should be promoting! Next, a new arrival steps onto the beach, and Jesse greets her with a friendly “Nice to meet you.” However, she corrects him, informing him that they’ve already met – she was on Clayton’s season, but only for a brief moment before leaving of her own accord before the first rose ceremony. I’ve never related to Jesse more. Her name is Sam, and she takes a moment at the top of the steps because she’s developed “a nervous rash.” I fear this woman is not cut out for the chaos of Paradise. Now let’s talk about Olivia, who makes quite the entrance without an intro or even a greeting from Jesse. Will is immediately smitten and takes her to the designated flirting zone, the palapa. Without skipping a beat, Olivia asks if he’d be willing to suck her toes. He laughs it off, saying he would, but they’re sandy, so she heads down to the ocean to wash them off. As far as bits go, this one goes pretty far, and it’s truly unforgivable that…
Denial of responsibility! Vigour Times is an automatic aggregator of Global media. In each content, the hyperlink to the primary source is specified. All trademarks belong to their rightful owners, and all materials to their authors. For any complaint, please reach us at – [email protected]. We will take necessary action within 24 hours.
